Empty by Lila Schermerhorn Clarke
Date 2/26/25
A broken shell of a human.
Endless void of emptiness.
A dark heavy cloud,
everywhere, all day everyday.
I try to truly find myself,
An earning for a recognition of a lost soul deep inside,
But all I see are two dead eyes looking back at me.
Everything is grey.
A blur.
A distant memory.
The world is moving past me a million miles an hour.
Thoughts and emotions are whirling around me.
I’m stuck in slow motion,
seeing my life unfold in front of me.
Searching for a purpose,
For life.
Helplessness.
A prisoner in my own mind.
Everyday is the same.
Endless loops.
Lost in despair.
Searching for an escape from reality,
from the internal pain.
Loneliness is my best friend,
Forever and always.
Dear Special K,
An escape.
Distorted reality.
No thoughts behind my eyes.
Levitating above.
Out of body.
Realm of consciousness.
between life and death.
No time or space.
Just the sacredness of The warmth and safety.
The peace and calmness.
The understanding and acceptance.
The sadness and love.
The nostalgia and appreciation.
How I need that again.
The presence of my ancestors, my spirit guides.
The Feminine and Masculine energies.
The mystical visions of The womb.
The past.
The present.
The future.
How desperate I am for you.
The recognition.
Seeing myself.
Holding myself.
Broken child no longer.
I am my own protector.
Rebirth.
Life transformation.
Seeing the world for what it is,
Pure divine beauty interconnected with all.
I need you.
Bring me back.
How I need an escape
From this scary, disgusting world.
Bring me back.
The safest
The warmest
The most held I have ever felt was with you.
I will forever need you
Why am I like the Ocean
I am Soft,
I am Gentle,
I am Calm,
I am Nurturing.
When there is a stir though,
I am Dangerous,
I am Strong,
I am Deceiving,
I can be your worst nightmare.
Therefore no matter what,
I cannot be trusted.
Three Grandchildren
by Lila Schermerhorn Clarke
I look into the old picture and see through the lens of a camera three children, two boys and a girl with big brown eyes looking back at me in between their smiling grandparents, sitting on rocks.
A brick wall in the distance, sunbeams shining, lavender plants and Naked Lady flowers surround them, two little ones, as if they were the yin and yang, next to each other, daydreaming into the distance, not wanting to focus, the oldest grandson leaning against his proud grandfather, smirking.
The proud grandfather was a special father figure to the oldest grandchild, the two little ones, the same age, both had fathers in their life— the older boy did not.
A sacrifice had to be made for the boy’s wellbeing, his father, a master of manipulation, would expose anyone— the boy and his mother had to escape.
The small grandmother, hugging the two little ones, radiates kindness and maternal energy, grins, but with confusion in her eyes, the dementia would develop and cloud her mind as the years go by.
Going into the past, looking into my childhood, feeling nostalgic, thoughts of my late grandparents, the sacrifice made for my brother, little me, and little cousin bring both joy and sadness.
I am reminded that the three little brown-eyed grandchildren in the picture are now grown adults, outliving their grandparents, striving to be like them, despite the negative circumstances of death, abuse, and disease
Finally Peaceful
By Lila Schermerhorn Clarke
My dead grandfather’s arm
reaches across my back,
almost embracing me.
His spirit,
no longer
heartbroken.
My dead grandmother
holds my
hands.
She finally
remembers
me.
She brushes
my hair with
her hands.
I see waves.
She strokes her long,
warm fingers
across my forehead.
I see ashes
being poured
into the sea.
My unborn
brothers and sisters
are looking up at me.
They never
had a chance
to live.
The forgotten souls.
Clouds,
I see clouds.
The giggles of
the dead babies echo
in the background.
As I turn back to look
my dead grandfather’s hand
is on my shoulder.
I hear the words “ Come with me.
”
I immediately collapse,
My world goes dark.
All I see is
the sky,
That’s it.
I hear the waves
crashing against
each other.
Big tears
flow down
my cheeks.
A strong breeze
comes out
out of nowhere.
I’m getting cold,
I wake up.
“It's just a dream,
” I say to myself.
I am in a white room,
in my black silky dress,
blood slowly pouring down my leg.
My dead grandparents
are bandaging
my wound.
My unborn
siblings are
crying.
I feel sick
to my
stomach.
I begin
to feel
dizzy.
I pass out.
My body begins to shake,
I see black.
But all I could hear
was my family
screaming.
I wake up.
I look around,
I’m in Martha’s Vineyard
on a pretty beach.
I see my dead grandparents
slowly walking
towards me.
I see my unborn
brothers and sisters running
towards me with open arms.
I stand up.
They greet me.
I feel free and peaceful.
I am no longer suffering.
A huge rush
of relief
comes over me.
I instantly start running inside
the waves and dive deep
into the cold, cold water.
I look around.
I see my dead family
and feel free.
Finally,
Oh Finally!
Just Free.